7 Ways to Give and Get Healthy Support
By Maria Marsala
Summary:What is healthy support? It's the ability to give and receive help or encouragement in a healthy, productive way. Setting higher standards for yourself, learning to say no, ask for assistance, and offer it without judgment are some of the best examples. Do you offer the best support to yourself and those around you? Find out with a bit of self examination and these useful tools.
For many, giving another human being the support they require is not an easy thing. It means letting go of our own judgment and wishes for that person -- and REALLY supporting and encouraging them -- even if giving that support means that they move 3,000 miles away. It's also about being our own advocates, and providing inner support for ourselves. It also means watching the messages of the universe for their reinforcement and not giving up on you! And oh... it's about walking over and under and through lots of mountains and pastures, too.
Healthy support is nothing less than miraculous. Sometimes being self-supportive means letting go or trying something different. Personally it has meant the difference between working for someone else--and owning my own company. With the support of a new network I was able to leave my wonderful, vibrant, energizing NYC and fulfill a 20-year dream by moving to what seemed like the end of the world -- WA!
Learn to say No!
Yes, support means being able to say no! Repeat after me, "saying no to others means saying yes to me." So start saying no to things you don't really want to do, and send messages to the universe about the things you do want!
There is an important distinction between boundaries and standards. Boundaries determine how you want others to treat you; standards are how you treat yourself. If you have strong standards, people won't walk all over your boundaries. Part of the challenge is to realize that we don’t always enforcing them. And yes, repeating our boundaries time and time again is part of learning to support ourselves.
Learn to "use" what you read.
John Bradshaw, recovery author and speaker, tells a story about the two lines to get to heaven. One line will get you straight there, and the other leads to a "How to Get to Heaven" class. Most folks would take the class first! Reading is wonderful -- through, it we become more aware of the situation around us and what may have caused it. But to make lasting change, you must actually walk through the three parts of the recovery movement's Three A's slogan: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.
Learn to be assertive.
Activing assertively is more than just being confident or forceful. he acronym below is from an Assertiveness Training Program, by Ann Johnsen who was a therapist in Staten Island, NY.
C - Clarity of thoughts and feelings
H - Honesty with yourself
A - Appropriate time and place
I - Initiative (you take it--don't wait for someone else to)
R - Respect for yourself and others (through your actions and words)
The conversation:
- Begin any special assertiveness conversation with "I feel," "I believe," or "I think."
- Use the assertiveness sentence: I feel _________ when you ___________. I'd prefer that you ________.
- NEVER start sentences with YOU -- the blame word.
- If you find your feelings are stronger than the situation calls for, KNOW that the current situation has brought up an issue from your past that now requires your attention. Don't take it out on the person who has brought this issue to light for you.
Learn to set goals and listen.
I am one of those people who believes in setting goals and writing them down. The downside of goal setting is that some people can become "stuck" in the words of their goal. They forget to listen to the universe as they walk toward their goal. As they begin to walk towards it, they may forget to listen to the universe. Enjoy the "adventure" of moving forward and celebrate every step--big and small. Don't be afraid to take action, or you may end up stalled in the planning stage. Perceiving the unknown as an adventure helps to remove your fears and makes the journey as much fun and full-filling as "getting there."
Learn to ask for what you need or want.
Do you hear yourself complaining a lot? If so, you're not asking for what you need or want. So learn to ask! Do you need some extra help? Perhaps a support group? 12 step recovery group? A therapist? Coach? Look for the help -- it's out there waiting for you.
Learn to ask yourself for support.
Write a list of at least 50 items you're tolerating in your life--people, places and things. Things that you think about, things you know require doing, and things you keep putting off should go on your list. Remember to include the things that you're tolerating about yourself as well. You'll be surprised at how much energy goes into "that spot on the wall" that requires painting -- until it's painted! What do tolerations have to do with support? When you remove half the items you're tolerating, you'll have that much more time to give support to yourself and others from a cup that's overflowing with energy.
Learn to regroup.
If a goal you had in mind isn't meshing, or an item on your tolerations list seems to overwhelming, take a breather. Let it go by putting it into your "God Box," and come back to it later. You can always talk about it with others, make some changes and regroup. Hey, you're worth your effort!
© 2012 Elevating Your Business. An unstoppable entrepreneur, Maria Marsala is a business strategist, financial advisor coach, speaker, and author. Her clients are independent accounting, financial, and insurance advisors. She guides them to increase their productivity and profits, growing their businesses to serve their lives — not the other way around. Download her free Business Evaluator to quickly learn which areas of your business are screaming for your immediate attention and which areas deserve a big hurrah! Visit www.ElevatingYourBusiness.com
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